It’s time for another post of really bad Christian humor to brighten your day and make you smile, if not, outright chuckle. So, here it goes.
A married couple was arguing about who makes the coffee. The wife said that in the Bible it says that men should make the coffee and of course the husband asked her where it said that. The wife opened her Bible and said, “Right here in He-brews.”
OK you think that one was a groaner it only gets worse.
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
‘What Denomination?’ Asked the clerk.
‘Oh, my goodness! Have we come to this? Said the woman.
“Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholics!”
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?” One man stepped forward. “Aye, Captain, I know how to pray.” “Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest ofus put on our life jackets – we’re one short.”
Here is one for the more serious thinkers in our midst.
One day the zookeeper noticed that the monkey was reading two books – the Bible and Darwin’s The Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, “Why are you reading both those books”? “Well,” said the monkey, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”
A teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?”
“NO!” the children all answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?”
Again, the answer was “NO!”
“Well,” she continued, “then how can I get to heaven?”
In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”
OK lets try a top ten list.
Top 10 things people think about while singing Hymns.
10. Hope there is plenty of food at the potluck.
9. 90 minutes to kickoff
8. Will the person behind me ever hit the right note.
7. Where did they find this hymn?
6. Did I turn off the curling iron?
5. What is the chance of a ceiling fan falling on my head?
4. How many people have lost more hair than me.
3. What would this hymn sound like with Metallica playing it?
2. Please let us only sing the first and last verses.
1. How long is this hymn!
At the end of the age when all the people were standing before the Pearly gates waiting to get into Heaven an angel appeared to them and said we need to separate the men from the women. First of all, however, all the men will have to form two lines, the first line to my right is for all the men who were the head of their household and the second line for all the men who were dominated by their wives.
Then the angel said we need all the women to report to Martha and Mary on the other side of the gate.
Looking back at the line the angel was stunned. The line to his left that contained the men who were dominated by their wives was endless but only one man stood in the line for men who were true heads of their family.
I can’t believe it said the angel you men should be ashamed of yourselves for having no backbone in your lives. He turned to the one man who stood in the head of household line and asked, “How did you come to be in this line?”
The man sheepishly replied, “my wife told me to stand here.”
Oh that was bad, I know. Politically incorrect but funny, eh.
A minister was talking to one of his congregation and mentioned that at his age he was thinking a lot more about the hereafter. Why do you say that asked the parishioner? “ The pastor replied, “Well I often find myself going into a room and wondering what did I come in here after.”
What did the Zen Buddhist Monk say to the hotdog vender? “Make me one with everything.”
Did you hear the one about the cannibal that got sick after eating a missionary? He boiled him when he was a Friar.
Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a stone? Because nothing like this had ever entered his mind.
A man was beaten up and left on the side of the road. A pastor came by but crossed to the other side of the road, a monk came by and did the same thing. A social worker came by looked down on the broken and beat up man and thought to himself, “whoever did this to this man needs help.”
One day God said to Adam I am going to make you a mate and what would you like her to be like. Adam said I would like her to be beautiful, kind, funny, forgiving, caring, trusting, polite, intelligent and compassionate. God said, “Someone like that would cost you an arm and a leg.” Adam replied, “What could I get for a rib?” Ouch.
A pastor was leaving his church and on the last Sunday he is shaking hands with the people at the door when a little old lady took his hand. “You know pastor the next one won’t be as good as you.” “Oh come now,” he said, “I’m sure the next pastor will do a fine job.” “No he won’t” she replied, “I’ve been in this church a long time and I’ve seen five pastors come and go and each one is worse than the previous one.”
A Christian was on a diet so he made sure that he didn’t drive down a certain street because it had a wonderful pastry shop full of wonderful goodies and he didn’t want to be tempted. One day, however, he found himself on the street, and as he came closer and closer to the shop, he began to pray, “if you want me to have a pastry then you need to provide a parking spot directly in front of the store, otherwise I won’t stop.”
“God is good,” the man said after pulling into the parking place in front of the store, “I only had to circle the block 8 times to get the spot.”
I could go on and on but I am sure you have had enough of this humor for the day. I do hope, however, that at least one of these bad jokes made you smile and make your day a little brighter.